Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cookoff

I love food shows. I watch them religiously. But I HATE this show. I hate the hosts, and I’m not amused at all by the contestants. The most recent episode has reinforced my hatred and lack of respect for both this show and Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri.

Why do I hate it so much? Well:

  1. The celebrities are barely celebrities. Sure, they might have been famous once upon a time, but couldn’t they do any better? Aaron Carter got eliminated in the first episode. Aaron Carter, who, in my mind, was barely ever famous and was really only famous at all because his older brother was in the Backstreet Boys. He couldn’t cook at all, and he’s not great at anything else, either.
  2. The eliminations are completely arbitrary.  I didn’t really watch the second episode to the end because I got bored, but Miss America (I think?) got eliminated not because her dish sucked for the challenge, but because the teams tied and both team leaders — chosen by Guy and Rachael — had to compete for elimination, and she lost. In the third episode, arguably the best cook/”celebrity” got eliminated in a 3-way grilled cheese challenge because his cheese didn’t melt. His cheese. Didn’t. Melt. And who, of the three grilled cheese makers, won? Joey Fatone, one of the not-so-memorable ex-members of N’Sync, who made grilled cheese by putting american cheese and cheddar cheese on plain white bread and put a smiley face made out of tomatoes and pickles on top. Yeah. Cheech, who was eliminated, used crusty bread, smoked gouda, and prosciutto, and was eliminated because his cheese failed to melt in the ten minutes he had to gather ingredients, cook, and plate his dish. Lou Diamond Philips came in second. His cheese didn’t melt either. So, recap: Joey Fatone, with his generic, childish, smiley-faced grilled cheese won the challenge solely because his cheese melted. And Cheech, the best cook they had, got eliminated, because his cheese didn’t melt.
  3. I hate Rachael Ray. She talks too much. She micromanages. She doesn’t make very good food. She isn’t even a real chef.
  4. I hate Guy Fieri. He talks too much. His shows are really annoying. He’s kind of a slob and makes food with way-too-big portions and overindulges. And he wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. I really hate that.
  5. Did I mention that the celebrities aren’t really famous?

Bottom line: this show sucks. Celebrities who let Rachael and Guy dictate their every move win out over celebrities who have their own skills. People who have real skills get edged out by these cooking pretenders. That said, I hope Coolio wins. I think it should come down to LDP and Coolio at this point, since Cheech is gone, but with these arbitrary 10 minute cook-offs and absurd rules (how can you win if you’re reading a recipe given to you by Rachael Ray — I’m talking to you, Taylor), who can predict anything?

If you’re only going to watch one cook-off competition-type show this season, watch Worst Cooks, which is in its third (I think) season, and will put Anne Burrell against Bobby Flay. They’ll both teach their methods to people they’ve decided are among the worst cooks in the country, leading to the winners from each team competing and serving a gourmet meal to culinary judges. The past two seasons, which both featured Burrell, but against Beau MacMillan first and then Robert Irvine, have been surprisingly good, and I can’t wait to see Anne Burrell put in her place by Bobby Flay (she won both previous seasons, and is too arrogant for her own good, or anyone else’s, really).

Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off airs on the Food Network Sundays at 9 p.m. For more on Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, click here.

Worst Cooks premiers on the Food Network at 9 p.m. on Feb. 12. For more on this season, click here.

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